In honor of Valentine’s Day I’ve decided to share with you my worst dating experience ever. It just also happens to be an excerpt from my upcoming novel,
“The Twenty Something Divorcée”!!
It is a work of fiction with some of my real life experiences intertwined ;-). It follows Naomi (the main character), from her separation, to officially becoming a divorced woman and beyond. She even looks back on her failed marriage and more. I am so excited to release it but I want it to be as close to perfect as possible :-). I began writing it during #NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) last November and completed it early last month. I am currently in the editing stages and plan to release it by the end of 2015!!
In the following excerpt, Naomi and her best friend Sheila have just finished a night of speed dating and are catching up on Naomi’s online dating. Enjoy!
Shelia and Naomi both threw their index cards away and had an impromptu photo shoot against the backdrop of Chicago’s skyline. It had been a great venue nonetheless and next time Shelia and Naomi agreed to look for an event with great reviews and a more diverse crowd. “So I know that didn’t go well but how has online dating been?” Shelia asked. “Girl,” Naomi began. “The one guy I liked thinks I’d make a better friends with benefits. The African guy I went out with didn’t make it past the first date because of his overly sexual comments and the other guy accused me of him stealing from him!”
Laughing Shelia said “Girl whattttt? You did not tell me somebody accused you of stealing from them.” “Yes, you know we had gone out on five dates. Each one more suspicious than the last with his comments on my calorie intake and everything. But before I tell you about him basically calling me a thief. Let me tell you about the time we went to church, a disaster.” So it was our fourth date and he calls me up out the blue and invites me to church for a midnight service.
“Now you know I don’t even go to our own church’s midnight service but I said let me not look like a heathen and go to his church. How bad could it be?” Naomi stared at Shelia. Shelia was cracking up with laughter “What happened?” “We got there at midnight right so I’m thinking like alright hopefully this service will be two, three hours tops. Three a.m. rolled around and they showed no sign of slowing down.” “Oh my gosh Nay, how late did y’all get out?”
“Let me tell you, so at three am I’m falling asleep. I get up and go outside to get some fresh air hoping it will wake me up. I’m like let me not be rude falling asleep in these people church.” “I’m outside for three minutes maybe and lo and behold Mr. Calorie counter himself comes outside and says, “You can come back in now” and walks back in the church. “Just like that. “You can come back in now. Like he was ordering me to get back in there. I didn’t want to act a fool in the Lord’s house so I politely headed back in.”
Shelia interjected “He had a lot of nerve.” “That’s not even the worse part. I go back in and sit down next to him. He waits a few minutes taps me on the shoulder and says, “So you’re tired?” I looked at him like he had lost his mind “Yesssss, I am. It’s 3 am.” His reply, “Yeah well if you were at the club you’d be out til five so…” “No he didn’t!” Shelia interjected. “Yes. He did. I didn’t say anything else to him for the rest of service. Five a.m. rolls around and the preacher is finally finishing up.
He starts a prayer line and asks women to come up if they’re praying for children or marriage.” Sheila’s eyes got big in anticipation. “Why did this man look at me? I just stared. Then he said “So you not gone go up there? I was like “No!!!” Shelia laughed. “He kept pushing the issue “So you not trying to get married?” “No!!!!”. Shelia was howling with laughter. “Oh my gosh, he’s so pushy.” “Tell me about it. I just got up and walked outside.” “He met me at the car and didn’t say any anything else to me until he was walking me back to my door that night.
The sun is rising at this point so I have zero time for his b.s. As soon as we get to the bottom door, instead of him saying hey thanks for coming to church, I know it was a really long service. The first thing out his mouth is, “I’m glad you came to church but you didn’t go up for prayer. I didn’t like that.” “I started to say, “I don’t give a f#@k what you didn’t like.” Shelia was holding her stomach by this point “Girl I can’t blame you I probably would’ve cursed him out too.”
“I just said Goodnight and went in the house. The nerve.” “Wow that’s crazy, is the same guy who accused you of stealing from him? If so, don’t leave that part out” Shelia said. “Yes, unfortunately it is. I visited his home the day before we went to his church. I was there for about two hours. The next day he calls me and asks me to come to his car. He says it’s an emergency. I come outside and he has a piece of paper in his hand. He asks me “Did you do this?” as he holds the piece of paper up. I’m livid immediately. “Did I do what? What are you talking about?”
“He just stares at me while some of the paper falls to the ground. It’s apparently ripped up. I picked up a piece of the paper. Which I hate that I did. But all I see is words on the paper. I still have no idea what he’s talking about. He doesn’t answer me so I go back into my apartment. He calls me fifty thousand times begging me to come back out so he can explain. Stalker and creep much? I come back out to see what this asshole has to say. He says some crap about it was a letter an ex-girlfriend wrote him and it was in his dresser. So I responded as loudly as possible. “So you think I’m a thief and a sneaky one at that. I took time out of my day to go into your dresser, found some letter written by an ex-girlfriend and like the jealous lover that I am ,HA!!!, I ripped it up AND put it back. This is f%#king ridiculous. Goodnight.”
Shelia’s mouth is open in shock. “Now that’s some crazy mess. No more online dating for you.”
P.S. Things are looking much better in the dating department these days ;-). I look forward to sharing that with you sometime in the future.
To my single friends: Find love in yourself, in your relationship with God, with your family, with true friends. Find it in your favorite book, your favorite meal, your favorite movie, in your career/calling, your passions. Single or not, Happy Valentine’s Day to you all and I hope you know and feel love year round and may God bless those in a relationship and marriages with patience, kindness, compassion, fun and all of the things needed to thrive. YOU ARE LOVED.